…I have a new desk, free, found on the side of the road. My first grown-up desk.

…the cycle of not writing seems to be closing on itself.

…I’ve been working on detaching myself from the last manuscript and the aloof reception it garnered from a cadre of agents.

…because The Aurora Project (the manuscript title has been changed to AP from The Improbable Colony) is what I want it to be and its place in the drawer next to my two other unpublished novels is okay.

…I always tell students that they must write first for themselves and with tAP, I did just that, wrote something just for me, because I was jazzed about the work, not thinking about selling the thing.

..the work on tAP was its own reward and the work on the next thing will be too.

…I have dozens of blank notebooks that need filling.

…Grace has been bugging me to write.

…Grace and I had an ongoing exchange about a Faerie Family while we were camping and that family, The Goodlites, might need their own story.

…I write with my fiction students in class and I sat down a few days ago and began expanding on one of those brief freewriting prompts.

…there is a story there, something I can tell simply, unadorned.

…I can’t blame people or places or responsibilities for not writing.

…I’ve hit this snag before, and sometimes things must run their courses.

…my age, really, has little to do with it. Richard Adams published  his first book, Watership Down at age 53. I have a decade at least.

…my job is to teach writing and although I’ve been talking to my class about not-writing in my life, I do not teach “not writing,” So it was time to do something about it.

…I made the reservations to AWP–one of the biggest, if not the biggest, writing conferences in the country, and I couldn’t convince myself not to go.

…I’ve spent a lot of money getting fancy pieces of paper that say I know how to write.

…my experience demands more of me.

…my imagination demands more of me.

…my place in the continuum of writers needs defining.

…because a veil lifted, somehow, perhaps due to meditation or cycling, that allowed me to see beyond my not-writing.

…mostly, and most importantly, I have started the baby steps back to writing, started putting in my time at the desk, for this one reason: It is easier to write than to obsess about not-writing. Not writing consumes me. When I am writing, I am different. So when people ask me about writing, about what draws me to writing, about whether or not I love writing, or about how writing fuels my inner fire, or if writing feels like my passion, or if writing is fun (ugghhh, no)… I can say: I write only for this one reason: because it is less painful than not-writing.

…those pages are waiting for me, now, now, now.

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